“If you’re not following societal norms, then people won’t accept you as a man.”
“The fact that I am a trans-man made me realize that I could bring something to a conversation like this because it’s usually only cis-hetero men that are in this conversation but their voices don’t speak for all men; it only speaks for one small part. Us having these conversations can help the people that are younger to be able to make decisions that we weren’t able to make, or thought that we weren’t able to make, back then. Men at this age, their voices are important, and we’re needed to break the generational curses.
We’re needed to stop the trends that have been happening. Stop the social norms and be able to say that there’s a broader spectrum. There’s more to being a man than just going to work and coming home. It’s important for people that are older than us to speak up too as well. A lot of older men, actually, have a good mindset that they could give to younger boys, but for some reason, they aren’t giving it out.
I grew up with two brothers and two sisters so I feel like I got a view of “both ends” of the gender spectrum. My family is very religious and sticks to social norms. They believe a man is born as a male and he has to be strong. I had to look outside of my family to see other views because I didn’t believe in what they did. If you completely follow your family and how they go about things, you won’t be able to find yourself because you aren’t the same as them. You don’t have to be them, but you could at get parts of your identity from them. You could always learn.
My father was always in my life, and I learned from him about being a man. He’s probably the only person that has entered my life that I’ve actually learned from, ya know. Of course, that isn’t the only person that I follow because he is a cis-hetero man. I learn from TV shows, movies, and things like that. That there are many definitions of what a man is…
I couldn’t find myself in their definitions.
So, I watched TV shows and movies. The first movie that I ever saw that portrayed a trans person was Boys Don’t Cry. I was maybe 11 when I saw that movie and it just took me aback; it had me very curious. I was very intrigued and I didn’t know why. It took me a few years to eventually figure out that I saw a part of myself in that story.
One night, me and my mom were watching something on Netflix and it seemed as if a person on the show was questioning not just their sexuality but also their gender. My mom said a joke basically about this person’s sexuality and I was like, “You’re not even fully opening your mind and watching the movie because this person isn’t only questioning their sexuality, they’re also questioning their gender.” We got into an argument about it because she believes since she has gay friends that she can do no wrong – that she’s not homophobic, she’s not transphobic, etc. I had to express to her that even though you have friends in that community, that doesn’t mean the things that you say are OK and it doesn’t offend others. And while we were arguing she said, “So what are you?” I was honestly silent ‘cause, at that moment, I didn’t even know. That was a question that I was asking myself, and at that point, I didn’t know I was trans and that I was who I am. They always made it seem like being trans wasn’t real and just a person who is confused about their sexuality. I finally realized that gender has nothing to do with sexuality, and realizing that, helped me find myself and who I was.
I feel like there’s a line between being a man and being masculine. That’s why I’m pondering on what is being a man rather than what’s being masculine because a woman can be very masculine but still be a woman. And at the same time, I don’t want to talk about gender roles that are “the norm” because I don’t think that that should be the definition. And it’s not my definition of what’s being a man or what’s being a woman. So…I’m not sure.
I feel like actual situations that affect a man emotionally and mentally don't get talked about enough.
A man will down somebody else for feeling sad about something. Like if he’s hurt, if he’s crying - he gets downed for that. You’re “being weak,” or things like that. They’re saying that you’re supposed to be this certain way and you’re supposed to be that certain way so everyone goes by that. So when there’s a man that isn’t that certain way, he gets downed upon.
They only talk about it from one point of view, from the cis-hetero man's point of view. They talk about being the head of the household, being strong, being the financial provider, and things like that. But they never talk about how a man could be what would be said as “the woman role.” They never talk about a man being the sole parent of a household and having to carry all of the roles, having to wash, having to cook, and things like that.
I feel like they don’t have the conversation open enough for everyone who considers themselves to be a man, who identifies as a man. I feel like they don’t talk enough about how important men are, they’re actually important in each other’s lives. Like a father's role is important, and they don’t talk enough about how it affects boys when they don’t have a father figure. A lot of boys who try to live the gangster life or whatever don’t have that role in their life to tell them that it’s not the life they should be living. A lot of boys have been dying in New Orleans, young boys like 16-17 years old, and most of them, their fathers are dead or they’re just not in their lives. They don’t talk enough about that and how important a father's role is in the community.
You can’t have genuine love for someone if you don’t accept them as they are completely and respect them completely.
If a person believes in societal norms, and you’re not following those norms, then they won’t accept you as a man. That brings a lot of tension in relationships because how can you have a relationship if that person doesn’t respect you for who you are? It brings arguments and causes breakups. When I came out a lot of my friends didn’t accept me as I am, so I had to let them go.
And it doesn’t just go as far as that. It could simply be a man who doesn’t like being in that life of robbing, fighting, and things like that. Then you’ll have some guys from the hood be like, ya know “you’re not a man,” even though we grew up around each other, “but you’re not a man because you’re not doing the things that we’re doing.” You can’t tell him he’s not a man because he doesn’t want to live that life that’s gonna either lead him to jail or into a coffin. You can’t tell him that. But they do, and that causes tension between people.
Be confident in who you are despite the fact that people believe that it’s not the norm.
A lot of people are different and they aren’t that open about it. But for those that are, the fact that they can be that open scares them, intimidates them a bit. That can cause them to react to you in the ways that they believe that people would react to them if they knew who they were. Most people project themselves onto you, and you may not have the right to silence them physically but you have the right not to allow them to affect you in the way that they do. When you realize who they are, you then begin to realize why they act the way they do and you can open up to forgiving them.”